Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Secrets in my life.

So Ive been sitting on them for a years. Do you keep them or tell?

There have been times in my life that I just blurt out everything that has ever happened to me and boyfriends have stayed but they have treated me as if I were fragile. The relationships never lasted. So now this time around I have decided to not tell. Keep things hidden away forever, 8 years so far. So now I am not treated as if I were fragile but treated as a bitch.

Have you had things happen to you in the past that kinda of creates your future. Like - lend someone money and never get paid back. So I never lend money to anyone because of that experience. It sounds simple, but there were events in my life that were tragic and horrifying. Im not too sure about forgive and forget in all situations. And maybe your past should not create your future.

Ive had such a life that some have told me its amazing I got through it all intact. I could have been on welfare with a dozen kids. I could have agreed that my life was over at 18 and stayed in a horrible marriage where I was treated like a prisoner. I could have sat back while he treat me and my kids like crap. They would have been hoodlums by now. Arrested with kids themselves. I could have been the victim for the rest of my life living on the system. Like some people I know, with the 'world owes me' attitude.

Ive been emotionally crushed. Had my dreams stolen right from under me. My innocence robbed. Matured faster then most young adults. Damaged, neglected, used, abused, thrown away! And yes I still cry myself to sleep. Sometimes listening to songs help me get through the day.

Details dont matter.

What matters is that I wake up every day and I thank God I am alive. Alive to see another day, to see my kids grow, to live with a great man, to be loved.

He will never know the turmoil I go though daily. The issues I face, the memories that haunt me. The fear that I have, pain I feel.

Is it better this way? Whats the alternative?