I am jealous.

Yes I am admitting it. To myself and to all the readers.  Of what?

Well you would need to go back and read my posts about my 'friends',  the ones that I taught everything I knew about selling online, the ones that came back into my life after leaving for two years and I showed them once again how to sell on another platform.

You see it was our idea to go into business together,  sell things and build an empire.  And we were kinda of on our way, I did all the online stuff and my friends did the buying.  We didn't agree in everything that she was picking to sell so I started getting my own things and selling them in my online store. When all that craziness went down between us I was by myself in the endeavor.  I didn't have my own funding so I relied on credit cards and well I wasn't that good at planning and budgeting. Hence my demise.

My friends left on their own and managed to build a business all on their own, with what I taught them, and surpass me in every way you can imagine.  When they came back into my life I taught her more stuff and once again they surpassed me.

I kept thinking what the hell did I do wrong?  How are they doing so much better than I?  Well its all irrelevant now since I closed but I still find myself looking at their online stores and I imagine how great they are doing, how they are working daily and processing orders.  Its not even about the money, its just the accomplishments I see with them and everything I taught. I see how I disappointed everyone with my failed attempts at operating a business, how I couldn't give up and pulled everyone down with me. Now I have nothing at all.  I want to start over but I just don't know how and I believe fear is taking over.

So I admit I am jealous of their success in their endeavor.

What a crazy week!

Last week Sandy came for a visit.. Sandy was the hurricane that hit the north east.  My place of business did not suffer any damage unless you want to count no one shopping lol.  I offered up my store for anyone that wanted to get out of their houses, watch tv, sit in warmth or surf the net.  Only one person came over and that was a friend of mine. We had both lost power at our homes, she lost it longer then we did.  We ended up spending most of the day in our store because it was just too cold to go home.  Personally we had 3 days without power, its not that bad considering tons of people are still without power over a week later!  Its tough to feel helpless when you cant cook or warm your family. We really had no where to go since we have no family in the area and only one of my husbands friends offered up his place for a shower.  We did take him up on his offer and went over twice. I cant tell you how much we spent on eating out!   We are a family of 5 and when the power goes out we cant cook, we have an electric stove, in fact everything in our house is electric. We cant do anything without power, no heat, no water, no cooking, nothing.  One of our neighbors house also caught fire and we thought that would delay us getting power back. Those poor people, cant say we really knew them, but their house is uninhabitable.

This week I also heard from a friend I had not heard from in a long time.  Looks like we will be starting over again. Im excited about it as I hope it turns out well.  Im also afraid of messing up other friendships that I have nurtured during her absence.  Im unsure how to proceed at this point. So I figured Id handle it as the days go by.

My husband has also been talking about bringing my business back home.  While we dont have the space in my living room/office right now we have an area in our house that we never use. We call it a Florida room, some people call it an enclosed porch, or a three season room.  In the past few weeks he has been cleaning up the room and 'preping' it for me.  Ive been depressed over it. I have to be honest - the foot traffic at this location is horrible and I have barley been making rent.  If it wasn't for my online business I would be drowning but I really shouldn't take from there to stay here.  His plan is for me to be able to move in before as soon as possible. I really don't want to go back home but what other choice to I have? Its been a year and thinks still look dismal. Should I try to wait it out another year? Can I break my lease? Will things improve?  Will I survive?  Maybe I need a new product?   Another things I will have to handle as the days go by.

Old Friends trying to come back into my life.

I have posted in the past about my former friends. How they all turned their backs on my when things went south.  How they claimed to be my friend but when I asked why dont they call me I got 'I dont do that kinda thing'.   Ive proven to myself that I was not the main cause of the end of that friendship, they were.   Ive gone out of my way to keep things intact but their lack of calls, emails and contact without my calling first showed me I was not as important to them as I thought I was.

Every time I saw them at the post office, which was not that often, I would be ignored.  They have to pass my store almost daily and never once do they come in. I invited them to my grand opening party and they did come over only to make promises to my daughter of calling her next week and its been over 6 months since I heard from her. Should I have reached out to her? After every thing Ive been accused of? I dont think so.

Just over a month ago a mutual friend we have cut them off too.  Nothing I said or did, they just caused heartache for the mutual friend and she decided she was done with them.  A few weeks later I get an email wishing me a happy birthday and how she missed us. Again she has not spoken to me in over 6 months. Not only that she bad mouthed me to the mutual friend when they had a fight! I didnt know what to say so I replied simply ' Thanks for the birthday wishes, you know how to find me'... I wanted to go into a tangent about how I have not moved, my numbers have not changed and you know where I work but I didnt.   Then like an ass i waited for her reply which I never got.

Then one day at the post office they were there of course ( I saw their car)  and Im dreading walking inside so I waited a while but they didnt come out, so I walk in. Im ready to just ignore them just like they have done to me and to my amazement they said 'hi' to my back as they were leaving!  Im like what?

A month later she walks into my store! Catch me off guard and I was like oh man!

Well we chatted like friends do but I honestly did not volunteer too much information.  But I am sure she was fishing, then she started to bash the mutual friend!  I wish I didnt keep my mouth shut, like I didnt know what she said and did!?!  Why did I back down.  Once again she promised to call next week and come by to see how things are.  And I should have known by previous acts that she was not going to do that, its been well over a week and nothing.

The worst thing is my daughter. They have been in our lives for a very long time, Ive known them since the 7th grade so well over 20 years.  They have known my daughter for her whole life!  Everyone once in a while she asks about them and all I can say is Im sorry.  Im afraid she will show up unannounced again while my daughter is here.  What do I say to her?